4 Ways to Maintain Sense of Self in Major Transitions: Rec. Reading, v25
We recognize that habit-building and good mental health can’t be isolated to just one corner of the internet. Myrth is our favorite tool, but it’s not our only tool. In our regular Recommended Reading series, we’ll share links to articles, books, and other tools that we think you’ll find helpful in your journey.
For many people, their sense of self, their identity, their understanding of who they are and how they fit into the world is closely connected to what they do for a living, who they spend their time with, and other things that aren’t necessarily permanent. If you’re one of those people, then when a job disappears or a romantic partner leaves or dies, it can be devastating to your sense of self.
In this installment of our regular Recommended Reading series, we’re exploring ways to maintain your sense of self even when everything else around you seems to be falling apart.
1. Understand What a Sense of Self Is and How to Develop It
You can’t consciously build and nurture your sense of self if you don’t quite understand what that means. Most of us start to develop it as small children when we start to think about who we are, what we like and don’t like, what qualities we perceive ourselves as having, and so forth. This overview from the Virtual Lab School is really helpful.
Our sense of self includes the roles, attributes, behaviors, and associations that we consider most important about ourselves (Ylvisaker, 2006). Examples of things that help to develop who we are as individuals can include our occupations, hobbies, affiliations, abilities, personality traits, and spiritual beliefs. … As we grow and mature over our lifetimes our identities can also change depending on time and place. Relationships, parenthood, and other life events can help shape our identities.
In other words, identity isn’t static and doesn’t have to depend on any one thing. It is an amalgamation of lots of different input sources.
2. Remember that Some Things are Out of Your Control
This article is targeted specifically at issues new parents face, but there are many broadly applicable points that make sense in the context of any major life change.
One of the most helpful things you should remember is that parenting changes. If you're parenting a newborn, for example, it might not always be possible to go to the gym every single day like you used to. But as your child gets older, you'll likely find yourself with a different schedule and some more time and energy. Until that happens, it is important to focus on small ways that you can incorporate activities that are important to you.
The same thing is true of so many major life transitions. If you are in the middle of intense grief or trying to handle several emergencies at once or just trying to stay afloat in the middle of a financial crisis, you may not be able to do all of the things you used to do in the same way you used to do them. That’s okay. See if you can find modified ways to do them or give yourself permission to take a break and remember that doing so doesn’t mean you’re not the person you were.
3. Spend Some Time in Self Reflection
Often times, we are so focused on external manifestations of ourselves (what we do and who we do it with) that we don’t sit down and do the internal work. We loved this article, which has an entire section focused on just that internal work.
Everyone has a personality but may not know exactly what that personality is comprised of. Take some time to sit down with a journal and some pen and paper and find out who you are. What do you believe in? What are your values? What do you want out of life? What are your strengths? Weaknesses? Learning more about every aspect of yourself will take time, but it is possible.
It’s important to give yourself time to just sit and think. Go sit somewhere quiet and just listen to yourself and your heart. You can learn a lot that way.
It’s important to spend some time after a loss assessing what happened and what you can do differently so that you don’t fall into an unhealthy cycle of repeating those things, but then you need to shift your focus. You can’t stay stuck on the past forever. This article from Forbes lays it out:
It's easy to get stuck in the past and what shoulda-woulda-coulda happened, but didn't. Doing so only perpetuates destructive emotions that fuel anger, self-pity and a sense of powerlessness. Focus on the future, and on what you need to do to set yourself up as well as possible on the job front, in how you are budgeting your money, and in your relationship with those who can help you find a new job. What you focus on expands, so focus on what you want, not on what you don’t.
Focusing on what you want from the future will help you shape your sense of self in productive, helpful ways instead of expending all your effort on what once was.
Have you experienced a major life transition that changed your understanding of who you are and how you relate to the world? Drop us a comment and share your experience.