How to Say No: Rec. Reading v21
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Work, social, and family pressures don’t go away when the world changes. They just take on new shapes and forms. Same pressure, different disguise.
In that context, it can sometimes be hard to say no to things people ask of you, even when you don’t really want to say yes. The problem is that failing to enforce boundaries will only end up with you feeling drained and stretched too thin.
We’re big believers in boundaries here at Myrth. That’s why, in this installment of our regular Recommended Reading series, we’re talking about how to say no.
1. Stop Trying to Please Everybody
Sometimes, people find it hard to say no because they’ve been conditioned to think they have to put others before themselves all the time. Other times, it’s because they think their value comes from their ability to make others happy. That’s nonsense, but knowing it’s nonsense doesn’t make saying no any easier. Here are three great tips we found for making it a little easier to do just that.
2. Understand What’s Keeping You From Saying No
As with many behavioral patterns, there’s a reason so many people have trouble saying no to others. It’s part social norms, part conditioning, and understanding that is the key to undoing some of it.
“Saying ‘no’ is not something that comes naturally to the majority of people,” says Susan Newman, PhD, social psychologist and author of The Book of NO—250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever. “For some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit, frequently an automatic response; for others, saying ‘yes,’ agreeing to take on whatever is asked, is an addiction.” Newman says our lack of ability to say “no” isn’t some kind of personal flaw we’re born with–saying “no” is a learned behavior.
Once we understand what drives our behavior, we’re better prepared to adjust that behavior if needed.
3. Saying “No” Quickly
There are a lot of listicles out there about how to say no to people, but this one, about saying no to friends, had a great tip we hadn’t seen elsewhere:
Say it Fast. Don’t keep your friend hanging for days or weeks, hoping she’ll “forget” about it. She won’t.
It’s easy to just avoid unpleasant things and hope they go away, but it’s only easy in the short-term. Avoiding saying “no” to something doesn’t make the unpleasant work go away--it just puts it off, and sometimes makes it worse as time goes by. Communicate quickly and clearly with friends if you want to protect your friendship. Don’t ghost them.
4. Remember That Saying “No” Protects Your Priorities
If we say yes to everything put in front of us, we find ourselves without the time to do the things that really matter--things like connecting with loved ones, pursuing a hobby, exercising, even sleeping.
Your schedule is already bursting at the seams with tasks and appointments. Adding more just to please others can lead to overwhelm, making it difficult to fulfil these requests after all. Your own priorities are compromised as well. Each yes comes with a cost wherein you’re essentially saying no to other opportunities along the way. If you want to achieve work-life balance and still be a great leader to your team, you have to learn to say no to tasks, engagements, and even opportunities that may not align with your short- and long-term goals.
Remembering this helpful fact will make it easier for you to say no when you need to.
Have you increased the frequency of your “no” responses to requests? How did you do it? Drop a comment below and share with us.
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