Alone Time: How to Form a Healthy Relationship with Solitude: Rec. Reading v22
We recognize that habit-building and good mental health can’t be isolated to just one corner of the internet. Myrth is our favorite tool, but it’s not our only tool. In our regular Recommended Reading series, we’ll share links to articles, books, and other tools that we think you’ll find helpful in your journey.
Life brings different phases, and in some of those phases, we spend more time on our own than we do in others. Maybe you’re social distancing while living alone right now. Maybe you’ve recently split from a romantic partner or moved out from your childhood home into your first residence on your own. Maybe you’ve just relocated to a new city and haven’t had a chance to make friends nearby.
Whatever the cause, it’s likely that you have experienced, are currently experiencing, or will experience a period in life where more of your time is spent on your own--but that doesn’t mean it’s time spent being lonely.
In this installment of Recommended Reading, we’re exploring how to be alone without being lonely--in other words, how to be on your own in a healthy way.
1. Remember That People Don’t Notice You As Much As You Think They Do
That’s not to say you’re not important! But many people feel awkward doing things solo because they worry about being judged. The New York Times explains why we shouldn’t worry:
Research has shown that people often feel inhibited from enjoying activities alone, especially when they think others are watching them. Overestimating how much other people are paying attention to us, and worrying that we’re being judged, can stop us from doing things that would otherwise bring us joy.
Don’t worry so much about people pitying you if you eat alone or judging you for going to the movies by yourself. You probably aren’t as noticeable as you think you are.
2. Set Yourself Up For Success
Experts on solitude note that there are both healthy and unhealthy varieties. Solitude can be healthy and nourishing when it meets certain preconditions. More from The Atlantic:
For solitude to be beneficial, certain preconditions must be met. Kenneth Rubin, a developmental psychologist at the University of Maryland, calls them the “ifs.” Solitude can be productive only: if it is voluntary, if one can regulate one’s emotions “effectively,” if one can join a social group when desired, and if one can maintain positive relationships outside of it.
Make sure that, if you’re choosing to spend time alone, you’ve satisfied these conditions so that you can make the most of your solitude and your time with others.
You don’t have to be busy nonstop, but you need to have things to occupy yourself at least some of the time. The Guardian interviewed five people whose lives are more solitary than most, and we loved this excerpt:
Keeping busy was really important. You need to have some creativity to keep your mind going. I do a lot of photography; during the Antarctic winter that was the equivalent of art therapy. I used to wander around outside at 1am taking photographs; honestly, I’ve never been more alone. But I enjoy solitude.
In other words, being alone in a healthy way is about balance. It’s good to take advantage of the quiet, but your brain is going to crave some stimulation, too. Make sure you have a healthy activity or two on deck.
4. Use Your Alone Time to Bond With Yourself
There’s no better time to make a new friend than when you’re on your own--at least, when that new friend is yourself. So many of us think of relationships as being with other people, but you can and should have a relationship with yourself, too. Psychology Today sums it up in this great article:
It’s a mistake to think that you can only have a meaningful relationship with another person. The old adage that “the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself” will never ring more true than when you’re in a period of alone-ness. To strengthen your relationship with yourself, make an effort to get to know yourself better. Ask yourself: What do I really value in life? What do I need more of? What do I need to be done with? What’s next for me?
You can build a better relationship with yourself during times of solitude and come out of it stronger than ever.
Have you been through a period of alone time? How did you make sure it was a healthy and enriching experience? We’d love to hear from you in the comments!
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